my words

Sorry brother… i think i have disappoint you as a sister cos i probably didn’t do enough to help you keep your family together and wait for your return. I am sorry.

Sorry brother… i wasn’t at your side with this happened. I think you must have gone through alot ever since the request was made till even now. I can’t stop crying after reading your letter and i can imagine you are a 1000 times more upset and have to handle all these alone since God knows when.

Sorry brother… sorry…

written by xiaogua

Daddy, i missed you…

Daddy, i just received a bad news today. They are breaking up after waiting for almost 4 years and left with about 8 months more. She is taking Deshawn away and i can do nothing. What have i not done to provide all the needs and what have i not done in replace of Jacky as a “fatherly” role. Daddy, can you tell me what have i not done enough to make this work?

Daddy, i know i am sad and i couldn’t stop crying after reading the letter, but Daddy, i hope you can be with Jacky right now cos i think he would have been blaming himself ever since he request was made. He has longed to be reunited with the family and now, 8 months away from his release, this came along…

Daddy, please be with him… he needs you more. He needs the strength and encouragement.

written by xiaogua

Hi dad,

How are you? Haven’t write to you since the last post a couple of months ago. 

Just had a few wonderful birthday gatherings with everyone for the past 2 weekends.  Had dinner on 19 April with the whole family, everyone was there except you and Jacky.  Had a “party” with my “kids” who came to our place on 25 April and we played a lot of wii.  And just had a wonderful dinner with my friends tonight. I thank them for making my 35th birthday memorable.

As for myself, i have gone for help.  I had been seeing doctors to help me get better.  But I am sorry Daddy, that i am crying again.  I am crying because I am doubted by people over my integrity.  What more they are people who I work with for the longest time.  I am upset because I am ok if they only target at ME alone, but why must they imply that my best friend is also involved.  I am not like them because I am not them.  Daddy, you know that I will not cry if I have really done something wrong, I will only cry when I am being wrong. I am sorry Daddy that I have disappointed you once again because I know you don’t like to see me cry.  Daddy, I miss you so much because you are not here to tell me “cannot cry” anymore. I miss you, Daddy.

Daddy, how can I end all these? I am only doing my job, and what did I do wrong? You told me that we should not do bad things unto others no matter how bad they have treated us, but why must people treat others badly?  What happiness does that bring them?  No one can tell me now because you are not here anymore.  How I wish you are here?

Anyway, don’t worry. I will try handle it, I promise.

Daddy, I miss you and I love you.

J

written by xiaogua

Finally, I went for my psychiatry treatment for the first time on 28 March… For the longest time, I know I am not well… for the longest time I know I will need help.  And thus, finally I made up my mind to seek the necessary help that will make me well. I know myself cos I have been there 11 years back.  I know what I will do when I “break down”. 

To you, all my friends, I am sorry that I am not as strong as you want be to me or imagine I will be.  I will not be the same person anymore.  I have spoken to a lot of people whom I can trust… A lot of people who really cared for me… And I know I am stupid and silly to put myself in such a state… I thank you for all your care and support… I thank you for all your advices and all the “scolding”. 

I know I will have to get out of this cos it will affect my other condition which will be fatal. Thus, I will continue with my medications… no matter how difficult the side effects is going to make me feel.  I have to pull it through for my DAD, mum, family and friends who really cared. 

I promise I will try to recover soon… but do give me some time… Please allow me to be “cold” sometimes… please pardon me when I am down… pardon me for what I did which may be rude… cos I am really sorry.

written by xiaogua

Life hasn’t been peaceful thus it is not great these days. Have you ever give yourself time to think about what do you want in your probably shorten life? 

A book that I will never regret paying for.

Picked up “The Last Lecture” when i was in Taipei last weekend.  I was touched by the book. I cried while I was reading it on my flight back to Singapore.  Life is fully of brick walls.  But are we going to give up whenever we walk into one? 

Today, was a terrible day.  I can’t help but feeling sad and this is the first time that I feel that I should give it up now. I have tried my best to do my job well.  I have tried my best to be impartial.  I have tried my best to fulfill all that I am tasked to.  I have always work, probably not 100% to some, but at least 99% most of the time.  

But why do you doubt me? Why do you want to make untrue comments that hurts? Does it make you feel better when you do such things?  If it really make you feel better, then I really hope that you are really feeling better within.  I won’t explain cos I know there isn’t a need to as those who believe in you will never ever believe in the truth.  I can’t be bother to say anything more but I can’t deny that I am bothered.

The army of malicious-ness has beaten me.  The army of injustice has beaten me.  

So now, it’s time for me to ask this question : “What do I want for myself?”

The answer is : “I want my peace back.  I want to have peace with myself.  I want to have peace emotionally and mentally.”

I don’t complaint about what happened… cos I can’t change the cards that I was dealt with, but I have to consider how to play it well now. 

—Randy Pausch, author of The Last Lecture

written by xiaogua

Hi Daddy,

How are you? 

I just got back from Shanghai. I have always wanted to book myself on a flight and disappear from this place before this, and finally I did it!  We booked ourselves on a flight to Shanghai 19 Feb (Wed) and we flow on 26 Feb (Thu)… This is always been my escape dream… 

Anyway, it was cold in Shanghai cos it was raining.  Got plenty of sleep on Friday since it was raining. Saturday was good. We went Yu Yuan and visited Cheng Huang Mao.  Mary did the “pai pai” and hopefully it will bring us good health and luck in our families. Oh, we had the Nan Xiang Xiao Long Tang Bao… waited for 30 mins and met some scary people.  Shanghai is like what one would imagine… aggressive people and they will just “pui” anywhere they want to. Scary. But the shopping were good cos we went to Qi Pu Lu which has all the factory outlets for big brands… 

Another break is coming ahead again… I am going to Taipei next Wednesday.  This is a planned trip a month ago… so I do hope it will be a good one that i can have my time to RELAX, RECHARGE, RE-THINK & RE-ORGANISE!

Again, I think i have put my gals in a very stressed up situation.  I can’t bear to see they cry but I dunno how to control myself and I dunno how to stop upsetting people…

Last but not least, Hanying arranged for me to see doctor on 31 Mar at 930.  Hope every will be well after this.

J

written by xiaogua

Hi Daddy,

How are you?  Been busy today… and felt tired too…

Didn’t really sleep well last night cos when i finally fell asleep, the people at the wake downstair were playing mahjong. And guess what??? They game broke into a fight… very long, loud and fierce argument.. sight..

Tired cos I seems to have endless work.  Working on new rates and new packages… Everyone are at my back right now.  Maybe it is also due to the fact that I am going Shanghai on Thursday so I have got to settle everything by then.  I have never imagine that I will step foot on to China so soon cos I am never ready.  But it will be a good escape and will take a good break.  Oh… can you imagine??? I am also going to Taiwan 10 days after I return from Shanghai…

After Taiwan, I guess that will be the time when I will go see Doc.

Miss you dad… miss you…

From…. ME.

written by xiaogua

Hi Dad,

How have you been?  Are you looking over us from somewhere far away?

Life haven’t been good to me… I am not sure what have I not done to make other people live better… You have also told me that we should do things that will not harm others, we should always try to make every situation a WIN-WIN situation for all parties.  I have tried!, Dad.  But i guess there isn’t a WIN-WIN situation here… I was trying to protect my colleagues… I was trying to do what I should for my company… I have also tried to not to affect the career of my fren… I was trying to follow the principles that you taught me… I was following the basic integrity that I believe is right… maybe there is only me myself who really believe in it.

I lost in this battle.  I lost big time in this battle that has little to do with me to begin with.  I lost big time in this battle that wasn’t my wrong doings nor my mis-judgement. I lost hold of myself due to others. I lost my control and I am lost in what I was taught to believe in. I lost my focus in life and in my work. I feel tired cos I lost my sleep… I am losing my health to this which I know I shouldn’t cos this life of mine is a life that you have exchanged yours with GOD.  

But please do not worry, Dad, I am seeking help cos I know I need it to get myself back on track.  Hanying will help me.  Those who loves me will help me. I can only say that it is my own misfortunate.  I can only tell myself that it all happened for a reason.  It is a lesson for me to learn from GOD.

Miss you Dad.  Cos I know if you are around, I will definitely feel much better, though we don’t talk much.  You presence used to be my kind assurance that I am living in a much dignified and just world.  Miss you and hope you are here now.

Will write again… cos it about time to pick Deshawn from his enrichment class soon.. oh… he is good but getting abit more cheeky and naughty these days…

Bye, Dad. 

ME.

written by xiaogua

After much thinking and struggle, I believe this was installed in my life as a lesson.  To learn from and to act on… based on what is right and what is wrong.  I am not going to explain myself no more nor am i going to think about it.  Cos why should I, I wondered? I have tried my best to do my job and protect a friend. 

No one wins and no one loses.  Everyone wins and everyone loses some times.  Be it win or lose, we just have to believe in fact… believe in truth… We can’t run from responsibilities neither can we run away from the differences in each of us.

Let us all be FREED from now… From lies… from threats… from all the malicious words… May God gives us strength.  ”LET IT GO”… it will be from now on.

********

Winners say, If it is to be, it is up to me. 
Losers say, I can’t help it.
Winners translate dreams into reality.
Losers translate reality into dreams.
Winners empower.
Losers control.
Winners say, Let’s find out.
Losers say, Nobody knows.
Winners are part of the solution.
Losers are part of the problem.
Winners are not afraid of losing.
Losers are afraid of winning.
Winners work harder than losers.
Losers are always too busy.
Winners say, I was wrong.
Losers say, It was not my fault.
Winners want to.
Losers have to.
Winners always make time.
Losers often waste time.
Winners say, I’ll plan to do that.
Losers say, I’ll try to do that.
Winners say, I’m good but not as good as I can be.
Losers say, I’m not as bad as a lot of other people.
Winners listen to what others say.
Losers wait until it’s their turn to talk.
Winners catch others doing things right.
Losers catch others doing things wrong.
Winners learn from others.
Losers resent their colleagues.
Winners see opportunities.
Losers see only the problems.
Winners do it.
Losers talk about it.
Winners feel responsible for more than their jobs.
Losers frequently state, I only work here.
Winners say, There ought to be a better way.
Losers say, That’s the way it’s always been done.
Winners celebrate others.
Losers complain about others.
Winners are willing to pay the price.
Losers expect it on a silver platter.
Winners always expect success.
Losers always expect failure.

********

written by xiaogua

written by xiaogua